Boundary setting: How listening to your body’s needs can be the greatest act of self-love
Many of us are geared toward people-pleasing, pushing our own personal boundaries and ignoring the warning signs our bodies try to send us time after time. It might sound obvious from the outside, but when you’re in the ‘cycle of selflessness’, saying “yes” to everyone and everything around you means saying an emphatic “no” to yourself. Most of the time, you don’t even realise you’re not listening to your body. But if you catch yourself, like I did, worn out, worn down and at the bottomest bottom of your energy reserves, chances are, you’ve been saying ‘yes to all’ for too long. Something will inevitably give. For me, the result was a serious battle with Post-Viral Fatigue Syndrome. Having come out the other side now, here are a couple of things I’ve learned…
Problem #1: People-pleasing pleases no one in the end
Most of us are conditioned from a pretty young age to be helpful, accommodating people. It’s nice to be nice, of course! But where does the line get drawn between being genuinely helpful and people-pleasing at your own expense? Let’s look at these examples:
Even though these things may be done with the best intentions, they’re a sure-fire sign you’re not listening to your intuition and putting your own needs dead last. It turns out, not only are these people-pleasing behaviours disingenuous (however subconsciously so), they are actually weirdly manipulative. What’s happening when you regularly over-extend yourself for the sake of others is this:
You are attempting to control how people perceive and receive you.
What’s even worse, is that people-pleasing leads to feelings of resentment and discontent as the people around you expect more and more of you with every personal boundary you ignore. (Hint: It’s not up to them to know and set your personal boundaries – it’s up to you)
Historically I’m as guilty as anyone else of being a people-pleaser, don’t get me wrong! How else do you explain years of pushing past the warning signs that my body wasn’t keeping up? But I’ve learned that discovering, acknowledging and sticking to my personal boundaries has been one of the key pillars of my ongoing health and happiness.
Tapping and Matrix Reimprinting have been instrumental in reprogramming my boundaries and resetting beliefs established in childhood that I didn’t even know were in the mix.
Solution #1: If we can kindly communicate clear boundaries, then when we do give of our energy we do so whole-heartedly without fear, resentment or bartering. When we are honest and authentic with others we allow them to do the same for us.
Problem #2: Don’t should on yourself
Honestly, in sickness as much as in healthful times in my life, I’ve learned that enemy #1 to my continued recovery is the word, ‘should’. As someone who has battled the debilitating symptoms of chronic fatigue for many years, the key to staying well has always included letting go of the shoulds. Steeped in shame, shoulds never serve you the way you think they might, and actively prevent you from listening to your body’s needs.
While they’re totally normal, and affect every single one of us (yes, me included!) shoulds are based on external pressures, and often come from a place of fear – fear of rejection, fear of disapproval, and so on.
When we’re using this kind of obligatory language, we are actively turning away from all that we are and all that we desire to be in the hopes that we will fit in with the societal norms of appearance, intellect, gender stereotypes, success (and whatever else you can think of). The painful truth, of course, is that normal simply doesn’t exist in reality. Those so-called societal norms are often constructed by billion-dollar industries that have something to gain from your insecurities. Personally, I’d rather keep my money and my authenticity – trying to be something or somebody you’re not is awfully draining!
Solution #2: Swap out your “shoulds” to “coulds”… This provides you with a choice; a possibility; a potential. Without the external emotional baggage of the ‘should’, the ‘could’ provides a bit more emotional freedom and space to see how you actually feel about this possibility and consider your own pro’s and con’s. A good exercise when you hear yourself saying ‘should’ is to replace it with a ‘could’ and contemplate what you choose for yourself regardless of all the ‘shoulds’. When you make that choice, spend a little bit of time remembering your motivation and why you’ve made that choice. By the way, your “why’s” don’t always have to be about logic and reason. They can be:
“Because that’s what my heart most desires”
“Because I feel it in my gut”
“Because I don’t want to”
And another thing – “No.” is a complete sentence – you don’t need to say sorry or make excuses, you have every right to make choices that feel right for you without explaining yourself.
It took a lot of tapping , and a lot of gentle reflection, but my self-work and personal boundary-setting have turned into great acts of self-love. It doesn’t always happen all at once. I have tapped away one layer at a time. So if you’re just at the start of your boundary setting journey, and listening to your body’s needs more carefully, keep going. Just by noticing and being aware, you’re doing wonderfully. The peace and calm of a life lived authentically is a key factor of a life lived free from chronic illness. And in the end, the only question you need to ask yourself is: ‘what is it costing you to consistently come second?’
Lou Coles is an EFT Tapping practitioner who supports people in recovery from anxiety, depression, trauma, chronic illness and pain.
